I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
