1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
