So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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