one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
