I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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