maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
