im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
