it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
