Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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