is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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