he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
