I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
