Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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