Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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