I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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