I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
