i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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