I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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