my mouth tastes like poor choices
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
