oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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