I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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