just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize