I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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