he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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