Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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