god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
