I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
