please come you make the beer taste better
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
