She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize