The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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