I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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