I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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