Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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