Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
