I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
