**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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