if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Randomize