Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Randomize
