she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
