apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
