i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
