another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
