We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
