Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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