we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
two words...techno handjob
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It's blow job season.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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