just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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