if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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