I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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