dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
