all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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