Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
