I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I feel great
I just peed on a car
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Terrible idea I love it
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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