The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize