I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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