my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
