There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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