I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
