I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
