I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
