im holly from the hills drunk
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
